Relief. A testimony

I grew up in a Christian home. My parents loved God and taught me how too. I did believe in Him…I prayed, read the Bible, etc. When I was 13, I started to go downhill. It started with little bouts of melancholy, but grew into days of just feeling depressed…for no apparent reason. Sometimes, I felt absolutely numb, like I couldn’t feel anything. Other times, I felt too much…rejection, anger, hurt, self-consciousness…and I didn’t know what to do. So, even though I hate to admit it now, I found a sort-of temporary relief in self-injury. I would tend to grow my nails out long, so I would often scratch my wrists with my nails…or sometimes use other sharp-ish objects, such as broken pieces of plastic or a pencil, making my arms turn red, raw, and aching.

It sounds sick now, but at the time I felt that even feeling pain felt better than feeling nothing at all…or the physical pain blocked out the emotional pain. But the relief I found never lasted and often made me more unhappy. One day, I sat in my bathroom, holding my razor blade to my wrist. I was going to cut myself…but right before I pressed the razor into my skin, I found that I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t and wasn’t sure why. I felt that God was so far away, but really He was so near…I truly believe that it was He who kept me from cutting myself that day.

About a month later I went to a youth group/worship night with some really good friends. It was then that God chose to break through and stop the vicious cycle I had put myself into. I found the courage to tell my friends and everyone there how I was struggling, and to my surprise I was received with loving arms. They rallied around me and spoke God’s Truth to me. I cried so hard as they prayed for me and spoke Scriptures. Even when I stopped injuring myself, I still often felt tempted (and it still happens once in a while today….but only by god’s grace do I find the strength and redemption to overcome it!!). My friends told me how it wasn’t a sin to be tempted…and if it were Jesus would be a sinner. I just felt this burden be released from me! All the condemnation I was beating myself up with was relieved! I’ve found that more often than not, self injury comes in the verbal, self talk kind vs. the physical kind. But verbal self-injury is just as damaging…and each lie is straight from Satan!
God’s Word says “Come to Me all who are weary and need rest. I will give you strength.” I was weary….weary of life itself. But, God has the redeeming power to change us completely. We are 100% new creatures in Him, which means no basking in self-hate, rejection, fear, condemnation…only joy! His joy lasts forever…no matter what circumstances.

By Gracie from Hawaii