I grew up in a Christian home. My parents loved God and taught me how too. I did believe in Him…I prayed, read the Bible, etc. When I was 13, I started to go downhill. It started with little bouts of melancholy, but grew into days of just feeling depressed…for no apparent reason. Sometimes, I felt absolutely numb, like I couldn’t feel anything. Other times, I felt too much…rejection, anger, hurt, self-consciousness…and I didn’t know what to do. So, even though I hate to admit it now, I found a sort-of temporary relief in self-injury. I would tend to grow my nails out long, so I would often scratch my wrists with my nails…or sometimes use other sharp-ish objects, such as broken pieces of plastic or a pencil, making my arms turn red, raw, and aching.
It sounds sick now, but at the time I felt that even feeling pain felt better than feeling nothing at all…or the physical pain blocked out the emotional pain. But the relief I found never lasted and often made me more unhappy. One day, I sat in my bathroom, holding my razor blade to my wrist. I was going to cut myself…but right before I pressed the razor into my skin, I found that I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t and wasn’t sure why. I felt that God was so far away, but really He was so near…I truly believe that it was He who kept me from cutting myself that day.
About a month later I went to a youth group/worship night with some really good friends. It was then that God chose to break through and stop the vicious cycle I had put myself into. I found the courage to tell my friends and everyone there how I was struggling, and to my surprise I was received with loving arms. They rallied around me and spoke God’s Truth to me. I cried so hard as they prayed for me and spoke Scriptures. Even when I stopped injuring myself, I still often felt tempted (and it still happens once in a while today….but only by god’s grace do I find the strength and redemption to overcome it!!). My friends told me how it wasn’t a sin to be tempted…and if it were Jesus would be a sinner. I just felt this burden be released from me! All the condemnation I was beating myself up with was relieved! I’ve found that more often than not, self injury comes in the verbal, self talk kind vs. the physical kind. But verbal self-injury is just as damaging…and each lie is straight from Satan!
God’s Word says “Come to Me all who are weary and need rest. I will give you strength.” I was weary….weary of life itself. But, God has the redeeming power to change us completely. We are 100% new creatures in Him, which means no basking in self-hate, rejection, fear, condemnation…only joy! His joy lasts forever…no matter what circumstances.
By Gracie from Hawaii
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Ignored.
Ignored. We've all been ignored, overlooked, unnoticed. But sometimes does it feel like no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you can't seem to get that attention that you long for deep inside? Like you do all this stuff- you get a new hair do, buy new clothes, talk the "cool" way, but you still just can't seem to be seen by anyone?
There's always that group. Those kids that just seem to have it all. They're popular, cute, beautiful. They have all the right stuff- the newest phone, hair, everything that comes to mind of a perfect, popular person. And for some reason we "normal" ("average", "boring", etc...) can't seem to get they're attention.
I'm gonna share a little bit of what I am dealing with in this regard. One thing you should know about me first is that I am an extremely outgoing energetic person usually... So I started going to this youth group in January that a lot of the "cool" people go to from my highschool. When I started going there I only sorta knew a few people, so I was like "Great! I can meet new people" and that kind of stuff. As soon as I got there, I could tell that there was obviously established "cliques" (for the lack of a better word) and I was gonna have to change something for one of those cliques to let me in.
The leaders there are really amazing and they got me talking to some new people (who happened to be some of those cool, populars) and I was feeling good. But as the weeks have gone on, the people that I started to hang out with just started to ignore me... I would get half-hearted "I really don't care who you are" smiles... Some days I would be like their best friend and other days I was a complete alien. Then I met a couple of girls who aren't populars. They're really fun and not as stuck up as some of those other kids.
Well tonight was especially bad. I was already not feeling well anyways, but I went and for some reason I hoped that tonight would be better than usual. I don't even know why I thought that. I knew it wouldn't be. See I go to this Bible study early Thursday morning with some other girls (most of whom are part of the cool group I have been just kinda like shadowing... not being noticed...) so I was hoping that some of them would at least talk to me. Instead I stood around for a half an hour waiting, hoping that someone I knew would actually come and talk to me. Finally Paula got there (she's an unpopular) and we acted like we were our own group. Both of us get ignored there by everyone except the leaders... But we try to act like it's ok...
Being ignored hurts. It makes us feel less than someone else. Like we aren't worth the 5 seconds it takes to say hi. I also think that when we ignore the not-so-pretty girl we are ignoring Jesus. Jesus says in Matthew 25:35-40
35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
So... the point? The point is... Why try to hang out with people who won't accept you for who you are? Why not hang out with the people that bring the best out in you. Maybe you are a "cool" person- why not talk to the girl standing in the corner just waiting for someone to take the time to say hi? And if you are an "uncool" person, go find somebody else who isn't talking to anybody and notice them. You'll brighten both your days. Being ignored hurts. Everybody is awesome and cool in their own way. You might not be the prettiest girl or the hottest guy, but everybody is amazing and worth being noticed. So go out and just smile, be yourself, and say hi.
There's always that group. Those kids that just seem to have it all. They're popular, cute, beautiful. They have all the right stuff- the newest phone, hair, everything that comes to mind of a perfect, popular person. And for some reason we "normal" ("average", "boring", etc...) can't seem to get they're attention.
I'm gonna share a little bit of what I am dealing with in this regard. One thing you should know about me first is that I am an extremely outgoing energetic person usually... So I started going to this youth group in January that a lot of the "cool" people go to from my highschool. When I started going there I only sorta knew a few people, so I was like "Great! I can meet new people" and that kind of stuff. As soon as I got there, I could tell that there was obviously established "cliques" (for the lack of a better word) and I was gonna have to change something for one of those cliques to let me in.
The leaders there are really amazing and they got me talking to some new people (who happened to be some of those cool, populars) and I was feeling good. But as the weeks have gone on, the people that I started to hang out with just started to ignore me... I would get half-hearted "I really don't care who you are" smiles... Some days I would be like their best friend and other days I was a complete alien. Then I met a couple of girls who aren't populars. They're really fun and not as stuck up as some of those other kids.
Well tonight was especially bad. I was already not feeling well anyways, but I went and for some reason I hoped that tonight would be better than usual. I don't even know why I thought that. I knew it wouldn't be. See I go to this Bible study early Thursday morning with some other girls (most of whom are part of the cool group I have been just kinda like shadowing... not being noticed...) so I was hoping that some of them would at least talk to me. Instead I stood around for a half an hour waiting, hoping that someone I knew would actually come and talk to me. Finally Paula got there (she's an unpopular) and we acted like we were our own group. Both of us get ignored there by everyone except the leaders... But we try to act like it's ok...
Being ignored hurts. It makes us feel less than someone else. Like we aren't worth the 5 seconds it takes to say hi. I also think that when we ignore the not-so-pretty girl we are ignoring Jesus. Jesus says in Matthew 25:35-40
35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
So... the point? The point is... Why try to hang out with people who won't accept you for who you are? Why not hang out with the people that bring the best out in you. Maybe you are a "cool" person- why not talk to the girl standing in the corner just waiting for someone to take the time to say hi? And if you are an "uncool" person, go find somebody else who isn't talking to anybody and notice them. You'll brighten both your days. Being ignored hurts. Everybody is awesome and cool in their own way. You might not be the prettiest girl or the hottest guy, but everybody is amazing and worth being noticed. So go out and just smile, be yourself, and say hi.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Body Image. A testimony.
I had just gotten my new Seventeen magazine in the mail and I started to look through it. And of course for models and everything they're always so thin and and their skin flawless. For years I've wanted to be those girls. I've always hated my body. Even when I lost weight, I still hated my body. I've noticed it with my friends and other girls. They can be gorgeous and thin, but they think they're ugly and fat. Doesn't that sound familiar? Don't all of us girls hate something about ourselves? And why do we do that? I never understand why we hate our bodies or our faces. Sure we're not perfect, but who is nowadays? And it doesn't help us see that we're beautiful, when in today's world the only way you can be beautiful is by being a size 0.
I've struggled with this issue for a while. And it's something that can really destroy your life. When I was 15 I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom and I had just gotten a membership at Curves and we worked out 3 times a week or more. After a couple of months and not seeing a difference in my weight I stopped going for a while and took matters into my own hands. So I stopped eating all together. After a week I felt light-headed and weak. But we had a treadmill and I would walk three miles having the speed up to 4.0. I did this for about two weeks and one day when I had stopped the treadmill and gotten off and felt like I was going to faint. So I grabbed a hold of it and leaned on it with my eyes shut tightly. I waited for the room to stop spinning then I went into the kitchen and got some water. My parents didn't realize it at first, because I did get some food but I went to my room and called my dog in there. I would give all the food to him. My mom had brought up about these girls who starve themselves and the danger that they're in. In my mind I was like "Oh well I'm not starving myself for my whole life. Just until I lose some weight."
I think my mom figured something was wrong with me because she would sit with me and make sure I ate. I've always hated throwing up so I tried it a couple of times, but I wouldn't throw up. I decided not to do it and something hit me. What I was doing was really stupid. I was killing myself to be like other people.
So I started to eat regularly and workout everyday(but not going to the extremes like I did). And I started to see a change in myself. Still I thought that I was still too big. I knew that if I stopped eating there was a chance something bad could happen and I didn't want that. So not thinking, I started to punch myself in the stomach. It's not like I thought that would help me lose weight, but it was like I had to "punish" myself for allowing myself to get this way. Then I didn't like my face, so I started to slap myself. I knew hurting myself wouldn't solve anything, but it felt good. Again something happened and one day I just broke down crying. I looked in the mirror at the red hand prints on my face and I lifted my shirt and saw the red marks from where I hit myself. What was I turning into? Why was I doing this? This wasn't solving anything. My family knows I'm very self-conscience and since I was 15 I've lost more than 30 pounds. That's an accomplishment. But still, seeing today's women and at how glamorous they are, I get very self-conscience and complain about how I'm fat. But I remember that I had heard this when I was a kid: "God loves you just the way your are. He made you special." See? God made you special. God loves you no matter what you look like. And isn't that what really matters? God's love is the only love I need. He thinks I'm beautiful. He probably didn't intend for me to be skinny and a size 0. He probably wanted me to have curves and be proud of them. Not ashamed.
He wants us to live for Him, not live for the world. We're not suppose to conform to the ways of the world. We're suppose to stand up against this sin. I'm not saying being healthy and a little self-conscience is a sin(because it's natural). But being vain is one. Sure we girls see that male family members or male friends seem to prefer girls who are stick thin, but not all guys are like that. If it's in God's plan for you to marry, then you will marry. And if a guy does't like you because of the way you look, then forget him. Seriously. Sure I'm still self-conscience, I'm not gonna lie. Here's a song that makes me smile and really relates to this issue.
Beautiful Girl by Trin-I-Tee 5:7
[Intro:]Say your such a beautiful girl, your such a beautiful girl alright that was a good let's keep that one yeah(I'm beautiful)you're such a beautiful girl (ooh yes you are) (I'm beautiful) your such a beautiful girl
[Verse 1:]It's getting late spread some wordWho is I in this worldTrying hard to figure out just what this life is all aboutSomebody told me honey smile it's alright you're God's childDon't let the world define who you are shine baby shine
[Chorus 1:]You're such a beautiful girl(un huh like the flowers that bloom)You're such a beautiful girl(un huh like the sun in the sky)You're such a beautiful girl(and like the moon in the night)You're such a beautiful girl
[Verse 2:]They say beauty's only skin deep but baby how can u see You gotta learn to love yourself and you'll never never go wrong Mothers and fathers sisters and brothers we've got a word for you Take the time out to teach um well cause they're watching you
[Chorus 2:](said it's alright honey you're)you're such a beautiful girl(un huh when you smile you light up the world)you're such a beautiful girl(always remember you are whoaaaa)you're such a beautiful girl(you are such a lovely girl) you're such a beautiful girl
[Hook:]You're such a beautiful girl youuu are you are you are you're such a beautiful girl youuu are you are you are bright eyes healthy size cute smile and a jazzy style yeah yeah
[Chorus 2:]You're such a beautiful girl(un huh when you smile you light up the world)you're such a beautiful girl(always remember you are whoaaaa)you're such a beautiful girl(you are such a lovely girl)you're such a beautiful girl I'm beautiful I'm beautiful
God thinks we're beautiful and that's all that should matter.
By Catharine R. from Richmond, VA
I've struggled with this issue for a while. And it's something that can really destroy your life. When I was 15 I just couldn't take it anymore. My mom and I had just gotten a membership at Curves and we worked out 3 times a week or more. After a couple of months and not seeing a difference in my weight I stopped going for a while and took matters into my own hands. So I stopped eating all together. After a week I felt light-headed and weak. But we had a treadmill and I would walk three miles having the speed up to 4.0. I did this for about two weeks and one day when I had stopped the treadmill and gotten off and felt like I was going to faint. So I grabbed a hold of it and leaned on it with my eyes shut tightly. I waited for the room to stop spinning then I went into the kitchen and got some water. My parents didn't realize it at first, because I did get some food but I went to my room and called my dog in there. I would give all the food to him. My mom had brought up about these girls who starve themselves and the danger that they're in. In my mind I was like "Oh well I'm not starving myself for my whole life. Just until I lose some weight."
I think my mom figured something was wrong with me because she would sit with me and make sure I ate. I've always hated throwing up so I tried it a couple of times, but I wouldn't throw up. I decided not to do it and something hit me. What I was doing was really stupid. I was killing myself to be like other people.
So I started to eat regularly and workout everyday(but not going to the extremes like I did). And I started to see a change in myself. Still I thought that I was still too big. I knew that if I stopped eating there was a chance something bad could happen and I didn't want that. So not thinking, I started to punch myself in the stomach. It's not like I thought that would help me lose weight, but it was like I had to "punish" myself for allowing myself to get this way. Then I didn't like my face, so I started to slap myself. I knew hurting myself wouldn't solve anything, but it felt good. Again something happened and one day I just broke down crying. I looked in the mirror at the red hand prints on my face and I lifted my shirt and saw the red marks from where I hit myself. What was I turning into? Why was I doing this? This wasn't solving anything. My family knows I'm very self-conscience and since I was 15 I've lost more than 30 pounds. That's an accomplishment. But still, seeing today's women and at how glamorous they are, I get very self-conscience and complain about how I'm fat. But I remember that I had heard this when I was a kid: "God loves you just the way your are. He made you special." See? God made you special. God loves you no matter what you look like. And isn't that what really matters? God's love is the only love I need. He thinks I'm beautiful. He probably didn't intend for me to be skinny and a size 0. He probably wanted me to have curves and be proud of them. Not ashamed.
He wants us to live for Him, not live for the world. We're not suppose to conform to the ways of the world. We're suppose to stand up against this sin. I'm not saying being healthy and a little self-conscience is a sin(because it's natural). But being vain is one. Sure we girls see that male family members or male friends seem to prefer girls who are stick thin, but not all guys are like that. If it's in God's plan for you to marry, then you will marry. And if a guy does't like you because of the way you look, then forget him. Seriously. Sure I'm still self-conscience, I'm not gonna lie. Here's a song that makes me smile and really relates to this issue.
Beautiful Girl by Trin-I-Tee 5:7
[Intro:]Say your such a beautiful girl, your such a beautiful girl alright that was a good let's keep that one yeah(I'm beautiful)you're such a beautiful girl (ooh yes you are) (I'm beautiful) your such a beautiful girl
[Verse 1:]It's getting late spread some wordWho is I in this worldTrying hard to figure out just what this life is all aboutSomebody told me honey smile it's alright you're God's childDon't let the world define who you are shine baby shine
[Chorus 1:]You're such a beautiful girl(un huh like the flowers that bloom)You're such a beautiful girl(un huh like the sun in the sky)You're such a beautiful girl(and like the moon in the night)You're such a beautiful girl
[Verse 2:]They say beauty's only skin deep but baby how can u see You gotta learn to love yourself and you'll never never go wrong Mothers and fathers sisters and brothers we've got a word for you Take the time out to teach um well cause they're watching you
[Chorus 2:](said it's alright honey you're)you're such a beautiful girl(un huh when you smile you light up the world)you're such a beautiful girl(always remember you are whoaaaa)you're such a beautiful girl(you are such a lovely girl) you're such a beautiful girl
[Hook:]You're such a beautiful girl youuu are you are you are you're such a beautiful girl youuu are you are you are bright eyes healthy size cute smile and a jazzy style yeah yeah
[Chorus 2:]You're such a beautiful girl(un huh when you smile you light up the world)you're such a beautiful girl(always remember you are whoaaaa)you're such a beautiful girl(you are such a lovely girl)you're such a beautiful girl I'm beautiful I'm beautiful
God thinks we're beautiful and that's all that should matter.
By Catharine R. from Richmond, VA
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Your Story
Hey.
I know that it's been awhile since I have written but I just couldn't seem to have the words that God wanted me to say. And now I do.
I just got back today from a Winter Retreat in the mountains. It was amazing.
God spoke to me this weekend in so many incredible ways. And one includes your story and mine.
You may wonder why you go through the things that you do. You wonder why your parents are alchoholics, druggies, or just plain messed up. You wonder why your boyfriend just dumped you for your best friend. Why the world seems to go on without you, and all your friends leave you in the dust. You wonder why God isn't there when you need Him.
Things like that happen in our lives for a reason. People aren't perfect. You're not perfect. And I'm definitely not perfect.
God put these trials in our lives to bring us closer to Him. To make us stronger. Our stories are so much greater than ourselves. They affect everyone around us. Sometimes they affect the lives of people that we don't even know.
I want you to meet a person, a friend of mine, who I think that you might enjoy getting to know. He's the coolest person that I've ever talked to. His story is the most amazing that I've ever heard.
His story includes every emotion that you feel. Betrayel, hurt, disgrace, love, joy, peace, sorrow. He lost friends, he was betrayed. He was lied about, he cried. But He also felt love and joy. He paid the ultimate price. He gave His life for your story. So that your story and His could become one. You in His and He in yours. He wants to be your friend. Do you want to be His?
Yes, my friend's name is Jesus. Yes, the God of the universe is my Constant Friend. He is my Father. He will never ever leave me. He will never dump me for someone "better" because in His eyes I am the most important thing in the world.
The wife of the speaker this weekend said the most amazing thing that made me just be in awe of just how much God loves me. She said,"Even if you were the only one on the earth who needed salvation, He still would have done exactly what He did. He still would have come and laid down His life for yours."
I know that people say,"God loves you!" all the time and eventually it doesn't effect you hardly at all. But when you think of it like Mandy does, it just completely washes over you. I was just struck with the Truth, the Truth that I am sooo worth it. That God really loves me. And He loves you too.
So, yes, my best friend forever is Jesus. He will never leave me. He will never hurt me. He is my Hope and Salvation. He can be your best friend too. Let Him write your story. And when you do let Him write it, that doesn't mean that the hurt and the dissapointment just dissapear. No. Sometimes it's the complete opposite. But wouldn't it just be so much easier to go through life with Someone who never leaves? Let Him write your story.
I know that it's been awhile since I have written but I just couldn't seem to have the words that God wanted me to say. And now I do.
I just got back today from a Winter Retreat in the mountains. It was amazing.
God spoke to me this weekend in so many incredible ways. And one includes your story and mine.
You may wonder why you go through the things that you do. You wonder why your parents are alchoholics, druggies, or just plain messed up. You wonder why your boyfriend just dumped you for your best friend. Why the world seems to go on without you, and all your friends leave you in the dust. You wonder why God isn't there when you need Him.
Things like that happen in our lives for a reason. People aren't perfect. You're not perfect. And I'm definitely not perfect.
God put these trials in our lives to bring us closer to Him. To make us stronger. Our stories are so much greater than ourselves. They affect everyone around us. Sometimes they affect the lives of people that we don't even know.
I want you to meet a person, a friend of mine, who I think that you might enjoy getting to know. He's the coolest person that I've ever talked to. His story is the most amazing that I've ever heard.
His story includes every emotion that you feel. Betrayel, hurt, disgrace, love, joy, peace, sorrow. He lost friends, he was betrayed. He was lied about, he cried. But He also felt love and joy. He paid the ultimate price. He gave His life for your story. So that your story and His could become one. You in His and He in yours. He wants to be your friend. Do you want to be His?
Yes, my friend's name is Jesus. Yes, the God of the universe is my Constant Friend. He is my Father. He will never ever leave me. He will never dump me for someone "better" because in His eyes I am the most important thing in the world.
The wife of the speaker this weekend said the most amazing thing that made me just be in awe of just how much God loves me. She said,"Even if you were the only one on the earth who needed salvation, He still would have done exactly what He did. He still would have come and laid down His life for yours."
I know that people say,"God loves you!" all the time and eventually it doesn't effect you hardly at all. But when you think of it like Mandy does, it just completely washes over you. I was just struck with the Truth, the Truth that I am sooo worth it. That God really loves me. And He loves you too.
So, yes, my best friend forever is Jesus. He will never leave me. He will never hurt me. He is my Hope and Salvation. He can be your best friend too. Let Him write your story. And when you do let Him write it, that doesn't mean that the hurt and the dissapointment just dissapear. No. Sometimes it's the complete opposite. But wouldn't it just be so much easier to go through life with Someone who never leaves? Let Him write your story.
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